The Thing About Winter

Watching Lake Michigan's still, gray water from the passenger seat of his car, I said, “The thing about winter is it forces people inside to contend with themselves for a while.”

“And is that a good thing?” he asked.

“Depends on whether they’re up for it, I guess.”

He’s been giving me rides home from work lately. He usually comes up when he drops me off. Most nights he stays. A few nights ago, J called while he and I were lying in bed. “Who’s that?” he asked, pinching my side a little, after I glanced at the name on the chiming phone and placed it face-down on the window sill. I’d known who it was without looking.

"He calls me in the middle of the night.”

“He calls you when he’s been drinking.”

“Sometimes. Not always.”

“He says what? I miss you? I love you?”

“Not really. We just talk.”

“Does he know about me?”

“No.”

“He’d be upset?”

“I think so. I really can’t deal with that right now.”

Then I asked him about the end of his last relationship. “I just couldn’t deal,” he said, “I guess I didn’t for a long time.”

He told me about a period of deep depression and cocaine and I pressed my forehead to the space between his shoulder blades and said, “I’m sorry you went through that.” I kept my face there, eyes closed and wanted him to keep talking. “What happened? Why’d she leave? Do you still love her?” I didn’t care about the answers, not for the usual reasons anyway. I wanted to inhale his story, his pain, however raw or stale, I wanted to breathe it in quickly, straight to my brain. Soon he was on top of me and I could escape again – mind and body in heart-thumping preoccupation. Dizzying avoidance.

“I’ve got no moral judgments about what you’re doing,” my therapist said a few days later, “This distraction thing with this new guy. But it might be helpful to at least theorize about what you’re numbing yourself against.”

“I don’t really know, to tell you the truth” I said, “It's hazy. I guess that means it’s working.”

But winter in Chicago is long and he couldn’t come over tonight.

Comments

[wordgirl]

I wish you could be here in Texas right this moment. Lovely Spring weather that can make anyone feel hopeful. I hope it comes soon for you, too.

[Churlita]

We should all be so lucky to have a distraction, to numb ourselves to whatever it is we need to numb ourselves to. As far as distractions go, he seems pretty harmless and fun...He is off the coke now, right?

[deezee]

I love the cadence of this...

I think I could use a reason to get forced inside with a distraction. Wait. I have the reason, just not the distraction...

[citywendy]

Peeking in from work, looking for a distraction. Found it.
Nice.

[citywendy]

Hello, where did you go? i miss your writing.

[Cover Your Mouth]

Thanks, Wendy. I've been battling the flu and a minor existential crisis.

[Cover Your Mouth]

Oh, and a shame-filled compulsion to watch every episode of the search for the next Pussycat Doll. Which is on pretty much everytime a person turns on their television.