I Don't Like Your Dog

There. I said it. I’ve been pretending to like him for the last hour and a half because you’ve been nice enough to let me come in and sit on your couch and use your phone to call my sister since I’ve locked myself out of my condo, but to tell you the truth, I could totally do without him jumping onto my lap every three minutes, digging his claws into the skin below the embarrassing teal sweatpants I had on when I accidentally clicked the door shut behind me on my way outside to check out the water main break in the street in front of the building and realized my keys were still on the kitchen counter inside. I know he’s just a puppy, just three weeks old, so he doesn’t know it’s rude to poke tiny claw holes into people’s sweatpants or that when he playfully clamps his jaw around the soft part of my hand it actually hurts – I know, he’s too young to know these things, but still.

And my stating this doesn’t mean I hate dogs. I certainly don’t. I mean, I don’t want to see your dog skewered and roasting over a pit; I don’t want to see him beaten or neglected; I don’t want my night cream smeared into his little puppy eyes in a lab trial testing its safety. I don’t. Not liking your dog doesn’t make me a monster, okay? It doesn’t mean I’m heartless and shouldn’t be allowed around animals or children. It’s just, I just wish he would sit over there in the corner and chew on that braided multi-colored cloth thing and stop, well, puncturing my flesh with his claws and teeth.

And it’s not just your dog, okay? You know our other neighbors? The ones that live right next door to me? Their dog? That blue pit bull with the jaw like a steel trap? Don’t even get me started on that dog. I don’t even have time to pretend to like that dog. I just try to avoid it in the hallway. I came home from work one day last month and, rounding the second flight of stairs, saw that dog’s thick, round head appear in the neighbors’ open doorway. Now, I can’t be sure of course, but I’m pretty certain that if I hadn’t had my wits about me, if I hadn’t stopped dead still on the landing just below and shouted, “HI DOG!” in a tone of distinct fear masked with friendliness just loud enough that the neighbor came to the door and grabbed the dog by the collar, pulling him back inside – I can’t be certain – but I’m pretty sure if I’d taken one more step into what that dog perceived as its territory (never mind that my front door is on the same landing as his) I’d be talking to you right now without most of my face. That’s what pit bulls do you know – eat faces.

But it’s all in the breeding, people say. I know. I know. Your pit bull wasn’t bred to be mean; He’s just a little sweetheart; Just a big, dumb sweetheart. I know. But you know what? That’s what those people whose pit bull ate their baby’s toes said too, I’m pretty sure. I mean, I’ll bet you they said something almost exactly like that to a neighbor before they woke one morning to find their big, dumb cuddlepie had yummed up their baby’s toes like little gherkins. So, thanks, but I’ll just keep my distance.

To tell you the truth, I kind of feel like this whole, “Listen to this story about my dog,” or “Oh, you’ve got to see my dog,” thing that’s gripping our culture right now has gotten a little oppressive. Like I don’t just assume that everyone’s gonna be jazzed about the new philodendron I bought last week to put in the kitchen window. You know what I mean? But I sort of feel like if I don’t feign at least a moderate level of excitement when somebody at work tells me about the new Golden Doodle they bought over the weekend from a breeder in Indiana, then it’s not just that I’m not going along with polite conversation, it’s like I’ve got no humanity. It’s like a person’s degree of exhilaration over another person’s story about how their dog kept licking the radiator in the bathroom the other day, even though that radiator in the bathroom gets really, really hot and the dog let out a surprised whimper every time, but just kept going back and licking it every 20 minutes or so – “You’d think it would learn its lesson!” -  has become a test of character somehow.

Like this guy I went out with last weekend. He tells me how his dog – a Jack Russell terrier - a Jack Russell hound? - I don’t know. Anyway, how it sleeps sort of spooned against the backs of his legs at night. And I think, That’s kind of cute. But then he keeps saying that I have to meet his dog – “You’ll really love her. She’s so playful. So excited to see me when I come home.” – and finally I just have to tell him, “Ryan, I don’t really like dogs all that much.” And he says, “Oh, you’ll like my dog. She’s really playful.” And I have to say, “I’ll meet your dog if you want me to, because I think you’re nice, but I’m just saying, I don’t really like dogs that much. Any dogs. Even playful ones. In fact, I might like the playful ones less. Unless by ‘playful’ you mean she likes a good game of Scrabble or something.” And then he just goes, “Hm,” and looks at me across the table like he’s trying to decide if I might be one of those people who would shout, “Get a job!” at a homeless person with no legs. Like suddenly it doesn’t matter that I tutor inner-city high school kids once a week or that I always bring cloth bags with me to the grocery store; Suddenly I’m somebody you gotta watch.

Oh, listen, my sister’s outside with my keys, so I gotta run. Listen, you really saved my ass today. I mean it. Thanks a lot. I owe you one. So, just, anytime, whatever you need. I mean, I guess unless you need someone to watch your dog while you’re out of town or something like that, which I guess we probably already established. But if your car ever needs a jump or if you have a baby sometime soon and need a sitter for the evening, I’m your girl! Just let me know. I mean, I’m a good person. Neighborly, you know? It’s just; I don’t really like your dog.

Comments

[Mist 1]

I don't like b*tches either.

[EEK]

I'm calling PETA.

[Twobuyfour]

Oh my goodness. I may have met my soulmate.

I never met anyone who so perfectly expressed my feelings about dogs before.

I'm not a bad guy. I don't hate your dog. I just wish he weren't drooling on my hand, which I'm obligated to extend to him so that he stays away from my crotch.

I'm not afraid of dogs, but EVERYONE says their dog is a sweetie, and would never bite. If everyone were right nobody would ever get bitten. Those are the same people who don't have their dog on a leash in a public place so that everyone can pet it when it comes up to them. And when it gets into trouble they always say the same thing. "He ALWAYS comes when I call him! This is so unusual for him!"

Nice blog here. I'll be back. And not just because we both hate dogs and want them all exterminated.

[Margaret]

obviously, you haven't met MY dog

[churlita]

I usually like other people's dogs. It's just that I'm a runner, so I really appreciate the leash law we have in my town.

I do think it's funny how people think of their dogs as extensions of themselves. I've even known a few dog owners to try and hump my leg

[Chris]

Just lurking and had to comment, you are so funny. Oh, and the whole dog thing, I'm with you on that one! Great post!

[Lola]

I totally get it, I do. I have a dog that I love. But so what? It's my dog to love. I don't like other people's dogs, or cats or kids for that matter. So why expect any special allowances for mine?

Lola x

[carmichael]

hilarious hilarious hilarious.

[Alli]

I don't even want to think about the money spent on doggy couture.

I'm pretty sure we could have solved world hunger by now.

[wordgirl]

Hu-what? There's a dog breed called a "Golden Doodle"? That's just criminal.

[Ellie's Mommie]

First, let me state that I am very much a dog-person. I love dogs. However, as I read this, I discovered something about myself. I love MY dog. I'm not too fond of other people's dogs. I like clean-smelling, well-behaved, laid-back dogs that come when called and go lay on their own pillow when you are no longer interested in them.

So I too will announce, "I don't like your dog!" but I'm sure that you'll love mine ;)

[Nance]

I don't like their dog, either. And if you find a dog that plays Scrabble, I probably won't like that one. Although I love Scrabble...even when I lose, which as an English teacher, really pisses me off. But I absolutely love watching dog shows on Animal Planet. I love the idea of fancy-schmancy dog breeds and judging dogs. But at a distance. Wow. I really sound awful.

[brandy]

Well said! I too, am someone who loves dogs. Well, my dog. My best friends dog pees on me routinely whenever she sees me. It wasn't funny the first time and it's till not funny now...

[juice]

I love my dog, but I hate other people's dogs. My dog is trained to annoy people on cue. This comes in handy when people I can't stand drop by. Other than that she will just lay on the floor and look at you, like you are simply a minor nuisance, who will be leaving HER home soon.